I am one of the world's great technophobes. Installing anything on my computer usually leaves me shirtless, trembling and soaked in perspiration. I wake up every day to several hundred if not thousand pounds worth of technology, little of which I have any idea how to use. I will shortly have ASDL fitted. It comes with a telephone. I shall no doubt be unable to make a call for six months, terrified that dialling my mother will somehow wipe my hard disc, whatever that is.
Today I have been inspired to overcome this crippling phobia. I paid a visit to the ever charming Sissy, who has recently been on a spending spree in IKEA. She asked me to help assemble some of the furniture she had bought. I panicked. Assembling furniture is on a par with partitioning my hard disc and installing Linux for me. The last time I tried to assemble something was when I bought some bookshelves from the ever blessed Lidl supermarket. It collapsed when I put the first book on it - first the top shelf, then the next one down and then the third. Then the two upright sections collapsed in on themselves. I left it, went to the gym and somehow managed to disable myself by dropping a ten-kilo weight on my right shin.
Tom and Natasha came round later to patch me up. In between helping Natasha to stem the flow of blood, reset the bone, disinfect me, etc., Tom somehow also managed to put together a robust set of shelves from the ruins. Within ten minutes I had bookshelves that would be a credit to the Bodleian Library. I could do nothing but look on in pathetic admiration. It was in the expectation of a catastrophe similar to that of my shelf-building effort that I set about helping Sissy.
As we worked the time passed quickly. One hour. Two hours. Three hours. Eventually, flushed with triumph, we attempted to put the drawers in. We tried again. And again. No way. We collapsed on the sofa and lit up a therapeutic fag. Eventually we returned to the task. I perused and contemplated, panicked, breathed deeply and reconsidered the problem. And eventually we realised we'd put half the drawer together upside down. A mere two hours later the piece of furniture was complete.
The inspiration from actually managing to do something - albeit three hours later than a normal person would - has driven me to attempt more breakthroughs. I shall now attempt to upload a photo to accompany this drivel. If I succeed, I shall publish and be damned. If not, this piece will remain a draft testament to my technological ineptitude forever. Wish me luck.
Kalhnychta se olous, nos da i chi gyd and goodnight each
Jamie
PS I see no picture. I tried. Bugger!
